Writing gone wrong

There are moments in life when you’re presented an opportunity.
I think some people may ignore these moments, but as a writer I find I cannot resist the temptation to use my writing gift in moments such as these. Case in point: I received an email from the UK (I’m in the Minneapolis area) that was clearly meant for a different Allan Evans. Some of the email:

I have been asked by Allan (as Lead Tenant) and the cleaners to request you keep your rooms and communal areas clean after use, as your contract states in Clauses 8, 9, 10 and 11. See attached contract to familiarise yourself with your obligations. I provide cleaners at a cost of £1,000 per year to clean the communal areas twice a month, one of which is a deep clean. They have complained on a number of occasions about how untidy and dirty it is at times – especially the kitchen. Having cleaners does not absolve you of your responsibilities, as per your signed contract.”

See what I mean? How could I not write a reply as Allan, the lead tenant? Here was my reply:

I’m afraid that I can no longer continue as lead tenant. Though the rat problem has been better lately—I’ve only seen two since Saturday—the moldy food in the refrigerator and the discarded fast food and condom wrappers on the floor RIGHT next to the trash can has put me on edge. As many of you know, I try to keep my drinking to a minimum—just 3-5 pints a day—the general untidiness has been detrimental to my long-term sobriety. While I sincerely appreciate the honor and trust you’ve bestowed in me as lead tenant, I must pass the crown onto another unsuspecting tenant.”

I did receive a brief reply to my facetious email:

Haha!! Sorry for the email mate but nice comeback!”

Sometimes it’s difficult not to use my powers for good. Evil can be so much fun!